"To the impartial eye, the world not only seems an unlikely one-off phenomenon, but a constant strain on reason. If reason exists, that is, if a neutral reason exists. So speaks the voice from within. So speaks Joker's voice." - Jostein Gaarder

Thursday, June 05, 2008

The truth is...

I'm a wreck.

That's the truth.

I can't sleep until I'm too tired to open my eyes, and once I do, I never want to wake up. I have dreams of everything I wanted to do, and nightmares of everything I did.

I struggle to concentrate, I struggle, I truly, struggle to be interested in anyone, or anything around me.

I feel as homeless as can be. And it's choking me alive. There is nothing worse than this feeling of alienation from everything that used to your home. This disconnection, this continuous state of denial. I think I've forgotten how to belong anymore.

I'm tired. I'm really tired, and I know well enough that a break, just won't do.

Happy 6th of June everybody.

23 Comments:

Blogger abufares said...

Will it help if I tell you that we\'re all tired.

The words of Henry David Thorough are even more to the point:

\"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.\"

Don\'t give up... not without a fight at least.

June 06, 2008 12:02 AM

 
Anonymous Naji said...

It is just the "birth pangs" of your liberation... Hang in there my friend...!

Once you have completely "forgotten how to belong anymore", you will have become completely free... Careful what you wish for...!

June 06, 2008 12:04 AM

 
Anonymous Naji said...

AbuFares,

We all seem to be having an existential crises today...!? ;)

How are you, old buddy...?!

June 06, 2008 12:11 AM

 
Blogger Arima said...

Salamtak. I know how you feel though, for me this time of year is always so hectic and right now I feel like curling up and sleeping for a long long time but...back to work!

June 06, 2008 2:26 AM

 
Blogger أُمنية said...

ur word actually hit me in the heart.

it's exactly the condition i'm in, i don't know if it was my fault right from the beginning to leave syria , and i don' t know if this condtion will end by going back home.

June 06, 2008 5:44 AM

 
Blogger Dania said...

You never remeber or forget to belong, you just realize it.

you hope and dream, and you do passionfully believe... but nothing changes...! you need that denial; every one does, and so we keep sane.

disconnection might turn out to be a start for a change, maybe small change... but it's still a change.

June 06, 2008 7:40 AM

 
Blogger Wassim said...

Pull yourself together and get on with it. When are you coming to London?

June 06, 2008 8:03 PM

 
Blogger poshlemon said...

Yazan,

I think if you've been following my blog recently, you'd know I perfectly understand how you feel... Actually, you were more courageous to word your thoughts more profoundly and accurately than I ever did.

You're right. Sometimes a break won't do. I'm on my break. But, I still feel this heaviness on the inside. It is too much to bear but I carry it around.

I have so much to let out... to say. At least on my blog because I have no one to share my feelings with in this real world. I do actually, I have so many friends, but they won't understand. I would sound like a crazy unappreciative maniac. So I turn to my blog... and I am too scared of admitting certain things, especially in writing.

Anyways, I know how you feel.

June 07, 2008 10:16 AM

 
Blogger Lady Nomadica said...

Hi Yazan,
Your words are beautifully written and striking. So descriptive of a tortured soul that has unraveled.

I trust that you'll make it out of these shadows. It has helped me at times to realize that shadows connot exist without light.

Although I don't really know you, please let me know if there is anything that can be done to support you.

In Solidarity,
Lady Nomadica ;-)

June 08, 2008 12:49 AM

 
Blogger KJ said...

I am actually quite happy, you know why? Cuz despite you being down and not wanting to wake up again, you at least reached out to us through your blog.

You have all our moral my friend - don't give up, and don't turn your back on life. Consider it as a woman in a very very bad mood, just be patient and she'd be romantic and all over you again :)

June 08, 2008 4:03 PM

 
Blogger Peteris said...

Start doing sports. Or gym.

June 08, 2008 11:07 PM

 
Blogger Lujayn said...

You sound clinically depressed, Yazan. Maybe an anti-depressant would help? :) It at least levels the field, so that the feelings of homelessness and the alienation don't overwhelm you.

June 09, 2008 4:55 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

remember when u were a kid and u dove under the blanket for safety but u could only stay under for a short time before this feeling of breathlessness took over? ok its a lot like that . "al ghurby" or being "bil mughrib" can seem like a blanket cuttin off ur air if u let it overtake u, you need to realize that u can use this metaphysical blanket in two ways, either way tomorrow will come and its all good. i dont know ur taste in music but i find Led Zeppelin helps. i was born and raised on a farm in Syria then moved to So.Cali. in 93 when i was 12 i love this place and if there is heaven on earth i do believe Oxnard is it. I went back for a summer a few years ago and realized i never wanted to go back. Nothin is worse than feeling out of place. I felt out of place for 13 years, then i went back and felt REALLY out of place. it was a let-down. anyways i gotta head back there for a family thing next week so im not lookin forward to that (bitwassy 3ala shey?? srsly anything?). so i guess what im tryin to say is i know what ure sayin i been there but its cool man ull be alright, work hard save ur money and in a few years u will look back on these as the good old days. naji wow thats some insight. dania... uve got something.

June 09, 2008 1:52 PM

 
Anonymous L.S said...

Dedicated to all Syrians
http://youtube.com/watch?v=kvGgtEXzEpM

June 10, 2008 3:58 AM

 
Blogger pulvenheimer said...

Get a bottle of Jack Daniels out and drink that pain away, buddy! Everybody knows that works... right?

June 13, 2008 6:49 PM

 
Blogger DUBAI JAZZ said...

My friend Yazan, my thoughts are with you. There is always a glimmer of hope. And believe me this is not just another BS metaphor. It's there inside of you so grab it, nurture it and I am certain you will be fine.

June 16, 2008 2:43 AM

 
Blogger rosh said...

Hi there - this post touches a reader's heart. I relate syllable for syllable. Am going post a few paragraphs and link it to my blog -hope that is OK? Thank you for this simple, write up, with much depth and honesty.

Hope you find your way and inner peace.

June 17, 2008 10:15 AM

 
Blogger moryarti said...

It is a sign of strength to acknowledge one's weak moments... and you are already one of the strongest people I know...

Hang in there buddy and I am still holding on to that Sushi invite ;)

Wainak hal yaumain?

June 17, 2008 8:01 PM

 
Blogger أُمنية said...

wallahi ya zelemeh ur so lucky: u write few words about ur state of mind and there u got dozen of ppl supporting u.

i think it's the hair thing. gonna do the same with my hair:P

June 18, 2008 6:53 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Give me some old time asshole..its good enough for me...mine was god enough for daddy...mine was good enough for daddy...yours will do for me...sing it

June 23, 2008 11:02 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yazan, since i came back to Syria, i had the worst nightmare that can any one take, i had a depression for 7 months, i was hospitalized 2 times, diagnosed with serious stomach problem out of nervous break, of course many reasons led me to that status but the main reason was not feeling of any belonging at all, i had the worst identity crisis ever.
but i ll recommend you with a book called The Secret
and there is a movie also you can find it through the net
read the book or watch the movie please...
it shall help you as it did with me!
your sis Mira....

July 09, 2008 8:54 AM

 
Anonymous Aleksandra said...

Once again Rotsheld risks to wake up tied without paints, his children robbed poisoned and they would even be forced to prove that they are his children. Who is that freak? Where is my own father and where is his property and finances? I was treated in a very similair way. I also was robbed, forced to be at line of poorness. One and the same scheme was used. Is my own father so bad man? Or someone owed him very much? May be many people became trustees of my inherited assets, and yet used to think my inheritage theres? Where is my own father? And where are his assets and money? For such a complex operation with my finances they must have had someone's help and support. Who helped them? Who devided and took my money?

I am the daughter of the man,whose face is identical to Joann Paul II. In Italy he is known as Tata Giovanni (Father Giovanni) .He lived in Rome and worked in the USA. I lived with adopting family in Yekaterinburg in the place of killing Royal Romanov family. Why? Who from my own family is a queen? My own grandmother? Or what does it means? Address was Moskowskaya street 9-31. In Moskovskaya street 9-20 lives Hussein family with daughter Aleksandra. My real name is Anna-Kristina-Aleksandra. What does it means? Who fined that information?Who really have aggression against Muslims countries and against Iraq and Hussein? I know that my own grandfather Naum was Muslims friend. And when he invest his money in Russia he took gold as financial guarantee. May be in Iraq and near Hussein my enemies searching that gold? I know that everything my relatives had they left as inheritage to me. I need to find, who has management of it in his hands, and which is the state of property and assets. I don,t know how my identity could be hidden, because I have unique right leg, which was disfigured from birth. This is my unique sign, nobody could be mistaken normally in my identification. Business of my own grandfather was oil and gas, casino and hotels of Las-Vegas. Own father too. During 10 years I was under strong financial pressing. And lived with my younger son for 60 dollars per month. Who became a manager and do that? Since October of 2001 till 2007 all the force of repressing machine was put on us. I have savage fascism in Lithuania in my own flat and in my own life and life of my son. We came out of there on our four. We have total control. Causes - multi billion assets in-heritage from my own relatives. Since 1993 year I was pressed financially at first, I lives with my son and we have 60-100$ for month. And even it is well known that a person is dead without money, my attackers didn’t stop - since 2001 year I had seven savage attacks on me on a territory of Lithuania - was poisoned with HCl, toxicoids,I was systematically trivially beaten, I had a traffic accident - was hit by a car on the pedestrians on green light for me, poisoned with hallucinogens and with my son pushed out to bogs in winter, where we have spent 3 nights. Those attacks started 3 weeks after twin-towers in the USA were ruined. They were ruined in 11.09.2001. I was born in 11.06 - month of twins-Gemini. More, the only citizen of Lithuania died in that crush, who was constantly living and working in the USA in twin-towers Jelena-Helen Gavriushina-Melnichenko - her mother was director of the school my children got education. Director of the school Gavriushina was born 6th of June. I have a friend in my childhood. Vladimir Vladimirovich Gaper. He was born 6th of June. Who is that friend? Everybody knows one Vladimir Vladimirovich, but he wasn’t born at the 6th of June. Putin is a friend of Kerkorian? Who is that my friend born 6th of June? I found that one. In the USA in Las Vegas. Kerkor Kerkorian. After reading his biography I saw that his owned MGM hotel, casino blown 21.11.1980. Interesting, that all those digits are digits of mine and my children’s dates of birth. More, even ID’s are the same. That friend was my own father’s and own grandfather’s manager? Why then the property wasn’t returned to me? Interesting that Bill Clinton had a nickname fly. After exact translating to Russian this mean to fly - as a pilot, a flyer. Manager was a pilot, a flyer. Why Bill Clinton, you ask?If bill - is billion, who clean’t billions then? Do you remember what is Bill Clinton wife’s name? Hillary Clinton. What is hillary clinton? Hi-Larry-Cleaner. Hello, Larisa who got in fly and cleaned… understand, yes? Monica Lewinski came into cabinet in White House at 28 of february 1997. Adopting family’s son Sergey Lopatinskiy was born 28 of February. Who knows what does it mean? In 10 June of 2006 in Diana,s Spencer family house resident of Russian special services Aleksandr Lebedev organized a meeting to memorize death of Raisa Gorbacheva. Michail,s Gorbachev wife died 20 09 1999. But 11.06.2006 I celebrated my 50 anniversary. It means all the strange recollecting organized just before my birthday. Why? How it is connected with the fact that 9 months before Raisa Gorbacheva died, 20.12.1998 died Jevgenij Bondarenko-son of Natalia Bondarenko who became also Lopatinska,ja after getting married with my adopting brother. It is she who is used to get my money without me to agree nor accept. Who helped her? Bush, Primakov visiting Lithuania they organized “accidental” meetings with me and my son. First used his security officers, second by himself. 11.03.2008 Poland visited Hosni Said Mubarak. 14.03.2008 we were proposed to leave Poland. We were getting by auto-stop in Italy. As well as we arrived to Italy, to Italy came Putin, who visited Poland and came to Berlusconi.Some years ago Berlusconi became Prime Minister 11.06.2001.In my birthday. What does it means? They have my money and business? They robbed me? They were so poor that needed my finances and my incomes? We live with son at street wearing some floor clothes. Was my father such a bad person? Is he blackmailed in such a way? Where is he now? Multiple applying to Silvio Berlusconi does nothing. What could be this person whom in my childhood I know as Silvia in Italy - my “mother” with wig and with man,s cigarettes, and which I must find if I need a defense and help? I know that part of finances former soviet agents transferred to someone in England. Queen Elizabeth and her husband visited to Lithuania (16.10.2006-18.10.2006)Jan Paul II became Pope in Rome 16.10.78. What Elizabeth and her husband need from me? After theres visit 21.10.2006 Hubertas Grusnys was killed, he was owner of radio stations and Lithuanian millionaire, whose radio Lietus a week before told about poisoning with toxicoids me and my son in our flat. In Lithuania for my financing and living my own father gave 10% shares of AO LUKOIL company to the oil company AB MAZEIKU NAFTA. For my financing in Lithuania responsible A.Brazauskas, B.Lubys (as everybody know Mr. Lubys is a friend of Mr. Nazarbajev), G.Chapanidze, V.Shkil. Mr. G.Chapanidze is in jail since 1996-1997. I was not financed at all. And didn,t ask nobody to sale or to present my finances or shares to anybody. I know that there are most of assets, which didn’t get in hands of those who robbed me. May be Mr. Alekperov knows what does it mean? In 19.8.1995 in Omsk died someone Ivan (Jan,Giovanni, Ioann) Lickevich. Do you know what does Lickevich means in polish? This is translated as calculate. What and whom calculated Lickevich?Ivan Lickevich was the director of the Omsk oil rafinery. In 3.7.2000 died with his son Gediminas Kesus.They are killed both. Gediminas Kesus was the director of the Mazeiku oil rafinery.When he was killed in Lithuanian newspapers was published information – some documents Gediminas Kesus put into some England bank. What the documents it was? Who started to kill the directors of oil rafineries and started putting the money into his own pockets? My money.In such way Lukoil go for another hands.Rats hands.
Another savage attack against me began 20.10.2002 – 23.10.2002. In 23.10.2002 - 26.10.2002 there was Nord-Ost in Moscow. My son and I had the same diagnosis as victims of Nord-Ost. Who do it? I have personal individual characteristic by which I can be easily identified - my right leg was disfigured while my mother was pregnant, and I was born with unique diagnosis. After many specific medical operations, my leg became passport, which couldn,t be forged. I demand to change my managers and carers, and I look for a country which could accept me and defend me.

July 17, 2008 5:37 PM

 
Blogger Mars said...

i know the feeling. feel it everyday.

August 05, 2008 2:14 AM

 

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