"To the impartial eye, the world not only seems an unlikely one-off phenomenon, but a constant strain on reason. If reason exists, that is, if a neutral reason exists. So speaks the voice from within. So speaks Joker's voice." - Jostein Gaarder

Monday, April 09, 2007

وقمح

Too many stuff to put in one post, but it is here anyway.. I'm just gonna write and post when i get my internet.

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So, what has been happening in the last few weeks...

I would only describe it in the amount of confusion mounting up inside of me.

There are so many people that I wanna write about right now, so many pages have been written and flipped over with the new spring.

So many obsessions, so many small papers I've kept in a safe place, and so many more memories of everyone, of May, of Zeid, of Maad, of Alisa, Tamara, Farhad, Tanya, Laura, My teacher who came to me and toast me a glass of wine on my graduation... all the way through the many airports I dragged myself through, all of them saw me both, hopeful and depressed, from tokyo to seoul to cairo to moscow to damascus... and back to tokyo, all the hours I've spent in Keio trains and Tokyo metro, Roppongi Hills, Shibuya a place in which I fell in love with, of the first dawn of 2007 on the Latakia cool seaside...

Just like how the sakura explodes in ur eyes once u look at it, Nature, God recreates the world again in these 7 days of sakura, and you can see it, and you can sit there and let your heart skip a beat, two, three beats... the way it renders the smooth sun rays into your eyes leaves you in the confusion between reality and all the pictures flashing in your mind, all these people you have had to say goodbye to, the sweet laughter coming from a person walking next to you, the glorious feeling of intimidation towards the brush strokes of a Da Vinci original masterpiece, the smell of the ground, the rain drops, the sounds of the train driver telling you to stand behind the yellow line, and the laziness in ur steps walking down from tobitakyu station to your dorm at 7am on a saturday morning... the amount of knowledge, pure knowledge, pure happiness, pure sadness, nostalgia, ache and laughter, that one year can hold... The same confusion that you felt staring from the campus cirlce to the sakura trees one spring ago... only with a lot more of everything, and a lot more to come.

Nagoya, I fell in love with this city the first day, maybe because I had already decided to, or maybe just because it is beatiful...
Nothing so special about it, no huge crossings, few impressive skyscrapers, nothing too fancy, except a laughter that you can see everywhere, people laugh here, people chat on the train, they gesture with their hands and talk to you, they use different voice tones, and frown when they dont like something, they talk to you in bars, on a bench waiting for ur turn at a bank, in trains and shops...

They say Good Morning in the elevator.


the beauty of having the whole world close to your fingertips, the taste of Azerbaijani wine and the sound of a Georgian laughter, the way "Californians" believe in Google as the new god [Admit it Alisa, you do], The sound of a hourse-cart strolling through a Cairo cool summer night, and the taste of Syrian well made Bamieh in the midst of an afternoon Nagoya...

I understand just now why it is such a magical thing for the japanese, I realize how beautiful it is to have only beginings... To begin a new year, but never end one...

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When you look back at your life, how will you decide that u have led a good one...?
I said, among other stuff, When I think of an old love, I wanna be able to smile in nostalgia and still enjoy the memory.

I still dont understand the simple ways in which i function.

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I listened to an old conversation about pain, qouting Jubran from the prophet... As much as pain carves down ur spirit, it creates space to contain joy... its easy to romanticize this, i do. But she'd say, "I dont want this pain, this joy is not mine anyway..."

I know nothing about pain.

I've read about it, I've romanticized it, I sympathized with people in pain, I might've helped some at some point... but I've never really experienced pain, I always crack down even before I get to the point where pain is.

"There is no such point where you stop feeling pain, it will always be more painful each second... there is no threshold...", 3ammo Hassan. someone who had to go through "pain" for years in mukhabarat basements...

How do you ease people's pain when you know nothing about it. you simply can't.

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I'm more and more growing into another George Costanza, I need to figure out what my instinct is telling me about anything, and then, go the exact opposite way. It might make life much easier for me, and for those around.
90% of the decisions that I had made conciously throughout those last 2 years have come back to haunt me one way or the other...

Now, I'm stuck in a whole new city, in an apartment that I have to leave within the month, with the cost of moving into a new apartment exceeding $2000 that we both have $400 out of it, a dorm is not a possibility [one of those decisions that come back to haunt me] I have just subscribed to the phone and internet that I have to move yet again to my new place. And yet, I have another guy stuck in the same shit, because of what my stupid instinct have told me.

and now I have to chose my electives for this year, I am seriously considering chosing the things that I would never usually think of, because according to the new "Theory" it would be the right thing to do...

Personally, it's a whole different story... it's a life of deliberatly chosing the wrong thing to say over anything else... I've hit my head against so many different walls, so many different times because of the level of idiocy this theory works through...
I was just checking some old conversations with May, and the whole time, I was in somekind state of sarcastic disbelief of what i have taken myself to write there...

maybe its a disease... what do u say?

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That being said,
Waking up in the early morning to go to kyoto, stealing ur roommate's iPod and and taking a walk to chikusa station at 7am with Fairouz drawing the widest smile on ur face, saying goodmorning to the smiling faces staring at you... is still a genuine happy moment...

I am still alright.

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وقمح

7 Comments:

Blogger Alisa said...

I have mixed feelings about the sakura, ever since the first time I saw them and had that let-down feeling. It was either too late or too early for them and the trees were sort of half-bloomed, or bloomed only in places. And the blossoms were white!, I griped, seething in anger at all the train station posters where the flowers had clearly been pinked up, photoshopped to perfection as I am so often guilty of doing. And then for a year and a half in university I had to sit through endles tanka and haiku about them, sakura under the moon, in the capitol, in the past, with a lover, etc. etc ad nauseum. Always with the familiar concepts- 無常 mujou, 哀れ aware- everything changes, nothing is the ever the same, even the good moments have that vague tinge of tragedy, bittersweet.
And yet to put a label on that inexpressable feeling of longing is so convenient; it makes it much more manageable. (my shakespeare prof always used to say that a word is a box; even "confusion" is less confusing once we know to call it that) So to say 哀れ when the seasons are ending and something new has begun is so much easier than stewing in the past and future at once, spitting out the peices of all the beautiful moments of your life. And then, to give an aesthetics to 哀れ, to acknowledge, as the Japanese do, that the sakura trees are most beautiful when the petals are showering down, although what you are witnessing is basically the dissapearance of something wonderful, it somehow never looked better, makes all the mystery even easier still.
But in any case, I'm glad the Sakura remind you of beginnings more than endings. Something so beautiful and so fleeting is bound to mean different things to different people at different times in their lives. That they always make me a morbid just could be my age talking ;)

April 09, 2007 3:00 PM

 
Blogger Andre said...

Shining spring day
Falling cherry blossoms
with my calm mind
Kino Tomonari

I really wish to see the sakura which has inspired so many haiku poets ;)
good luck in your accommodation mayhem

April 10, 2007 8:14 AM

 
Anonymous witness___ said...

I ve just discovered ur blog thx to toot...it s amazing how huge bloggers are...
My brother's best friend is syrian..They are both in germany, and when he returns to syria he opens the tunisian channel and says to his family members 'i can understand what they say!':)
I hope u good luck both 4 u and ur blog...

April 11, 2007 10:16 PM

 
Blogger TAMARA said...

Sakuraa, sakuraa,
Yayoino sora wa
Miwatasu kagiri
Kasumikakumoga
Nioizoizuru
Izayaa izayaa
Miniyuukannn ...before coming to Japan my teacher used this song to explain how important was the beauty of Sakura for Japanese people and that they used to sing this song while hanami...well, thanks to my perfect year I've learned quickly the simple melody and words..but after coming to Japan never really got the chance to sing it with Japanese;)))) yea, before coming to this "mysterious" for the rest of the world country we have the image of something so great, exceptional but after staying a bit longer we are forced to change our minds...here so many things are just so "unnatural"...

Yea exactly! the beauty of Sakura is related to the beginning of something beautiful...its different variations of pink color are filling you with great optimism hmmm like making you feel looking at the life through pink sunglasses:) hmmm but its a bit difficult for me to understand the idea of real Japanese Hanami...crowded parks with drunk people...where I think that the real beauty of the nature is disappearing somewhere in the cans or cups of Asahi or Ebisu...

I love Sakura and my own way of Hanami :)))walking around Gaidai in the morning through the dark pink, lighter or white colored Sakura trees (in line)as if waiting for you to show you their gratitude and wishing u a great begining of the day like making you feel so special:)))

...people smiling?...wow I think I start to regret that I've spent two years exactly in Tokyo....don't know there people usually didn't smile :)exept my loovely friend from over the world :)

P.S. Yazan r u sure the wine was not Georgian? :)))))

April 11, 2007 11:54 PM

 
Blogger TAMARA said...

...haha that was just great...me-exited about the possibility to see the masterpiece(s:) but shamely unable to deshiffer a simple code of the TV news message...fortunately you-deshiffering the code on the ticket, making us happy like if we had revieled the whole secret of the "brotherhood"...:)))

April 12, 2007 4:20 AM

 
Anonymous Lost Somewhere said...

I want you to take this into consideration:
No matter how wrong your decisions were at least they were decisions YOU had taken and this is priceless.
The worst thing is to realize when it's too late that you were lead into the life you are living. That you never took the chance to decide to choose (even wrong decisions). and suddenly you wake up one day when there are no more possibilities for the real you to experience anything anymore.
How many young men and women in our country are lead to marry work and live without realizing they never took the real decisions they would have if they had been independent. These few years or more that you spend abroad taking right and wrong decisions, are only the experience of the expression of the real you..they only build a stronger and more true you! Enjoy!

April 13, 2007 10:11 AM

 
Blogger Shannon said...

Every time I return to your blog, I'm always struck by how poetic and expressive you are. I've never seen the Sakura, but you've made me feel them.

April 14, 2007 9:37 AM

 

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