I donno when this might be posted.
I'm in a plane, Aeroflot, Russian Airlines. Or let's say Fucked-up Airlines. But that’s a whole different issue.
I'm in a plane, I donno what time it is exactly in this part of the world we're flying over, it's almost 3pm or something in Moscow, we still have 3:30h of flying, adding up to 10h in air, and 1h delay on ground. I Hate Russian Airlines, the stewardess actually yells at u here. And theres a guy eyeing m because I'm apparently annoying him with my typing on the computer. There's no power plug so the pc will go dead on me in 30mins.
We're flying over Siberia apparently.
Was reading Murakami's Kafka on the Shore. Pretty interesting start. I have lots of things to read. I have to read the Life of Pi, The Great Gatsby [Again, since I don’t think I grasped it the first time], Body Language, finish Dogs and Demons… etc.
So I'm here, god known how many kilometers above earth, what am I thinking of? What could I be thinking of?
I miss her.
Listening to Radiohead telling me to sail to the moon… I'm in this ultra-high state of sensitivity, to any word, look, touch… I'm afraid to type here things that I don’t want out, because I promised myself to post everything I type here.
Looking back on Tokyo, now that my days there are coming to close. Is it really Tokyo's fault? Does it have to be someone, or something's fault that I'm fucked up?
The last 2 months was one long ongoing moment of bitterness. Don’t get me wrong. I was not crucified. Even, dare I say? I don’t even think I've learnt anything from these months, which is very sad. Very sad.
Is there a goddamn meaning. Why, is it that all the people I look up to, all the people that I care about, all the people that intrigue on the intellectual level, have this mysterious belief in the absolute purpose of life. And why is it that I don’t. at least not yet. It's amazing. How un-true such an argument sounds to me… maybe it's just the way they try to prove it. Maybe I'm too stupid to realize it, or even – and this one is actually very try – Maybe, I'm just less divine to actually feel it.
The brainstorming, of Whys, and Hows, and I don’t Care(s) that I went through these last 2 months, was overwhelming. That I had to just let go of all my unfinished speculations, analysis, theories, novels, and realities at the very first chance I had. I just let go, went blank, drunk myself until I passed out, danced until I passed out.
Dancing. Anthony Quinn said something so real, and so painful – for me, at least - in Zorba the Greek, he said that Dance is the way a free spirit speaks for itself, he who can not dance has a locked down spirit, probably it explains what I wrote earlier. I can never seem to be able to comfortably dance my soul out until after the 4rth beer or shot. And sometimes I drink just to be able to, just to feel what he's talking about. But it cuts through, when I do.
I'm listening to this beautiful piece of music now, I got to meet old reggae through Dan, a Canadian friend in my dorm. Hugh Mundell, singing "Africa Must Be Free By The Year 1983"… beautiful dubs. Beautiful…
And there's this girl infront of me that looks exactly like Anna, my cousin. She's so Russian… and she only speaks Russian and Japanese. We tried communicating, but it was painful for both of our poor Japanese vocabulary, so we just gave up with a very friendly handshake.
Again, I have not been fair to Tokyo, but I'm not in the mood to anyway. I will have to mention though, that I had one of the most beautiful moments over there alone above the world in Tokyo Tower, looking down, looking up looking inside of me… It was a much needed moment of peace, that I will be very grateful for it for a long time… Thank you, Tokyo.
I'm so much at peace with my flaws at this particular moment, it's amazing, u can not believe how much I love me, and consequently everyone around in this lousy Aeroflot Boeing flight from Tokyo to Moscow. I love them… I love me, I'm writing with such a joy, with a sense of liberation… maybe the fact that I'm gonna be in Latakia within hours, but I donno… it's much more complicated than that.
The fact that I admitted to myself that I had lost a battle, but not given up. The fact that I'm going back there, to kick and scream and fight again, fight against Me, fight against whatever I feel fighting… and live. The fact that I'm gonna be happy again, regardless of when and how, or what… is just making me so peaceful.
I love this planet, I love this species, I love us, I believe in us. I love that God that might never exist. I just genuinely have a flood of emotions right now that I can not transmit through this 16% charged notebook.
Cheers everyone, breakfast's up. And battery's down.
I love May. And that's genuine love. Real genuine love.
She's my Venice Queen. She's my Achilles' heel.
It's only been 30 minutes since i stepped foot back in this house, and the first thing i did was posting this...