AHHHHHHHHHH

I hate this,

I hate this damn feeling of helplessness infront of that paper. Words are in my mind, vague shapes, and stroke orders, I KNOW THEM, I know the reading, I know the fucking kanji... but my hands arent working.

I spent half the time staring at my physics paper. How am I supposed to explain Newton's law in Japanese.

HOW? HOW? HOW?

I can see the page, I can see the writing, I can revise it in my head, Arabic is ofcourse easy, english is not that hard neither... but the fucking switch to japanese, doesn't work.. it just goes blank. I switch again, I start "drawing" the missing words in my answer... erasing, and writing again. The weirdest sentence patterns any japanese had ever seen.

I hate it.

I was about to scream, when I looked at this Kanji that I underlined 3 times while I was studying, and I just couldn't remember the stroke order. it wen blank. SHISETU. half an hour before the exam, I was joking with Miro that I'm gonna forget this kanji exactly because I studied it a lot. but when it happened it didnt feel funny. I was about to cry.

All is not good. relatively.

 

Although, Good times are coming soon,

But, Tomorrow, another day of helplessness infront of a Grammar paper, and then a chemistry one.

Thursday. Maths. Where I pick up [hopefully] those shreds of self-confidence scattered around.

 

cheers for now. drink for me people. for I cant.

Syria...

الخوف من الغد هو العنوان الأساس لهواجس أسرتي وشعبي، أخي يقول: الله يجيرنا من مخططات الغرب والأميركان، ويضيف قريب لي: ومن حماقتنا وهو الأهم ، فالبراءة والنوايا الطيبة في هذا الزمن لا تكفي.
يضيف آخر : ليس كلنا أبرياء وطيبين ، بيننا من هم أنجس من شارون، ويفعلون المستحيل لتخريب البلاد.
يتنهد آخر قائلاً: الله يعينك يا بشار،والله كون محله لأحمل حالي وأمشي.
أمي تقول الله يسترنا من هالشتوية، قال المازوت بدو يغلا ومن عدا شي كل شي غلي،

كنت أصغي لأسرتي الصغيرة وأتخيل عائلتي السورية الكبيرة، ولا أظن الحديث مختلفاً عنه هنا.
كنت أفكر بصمت كيف سيقاوم شعبي المترع بالخوف من البرد من الجوع من الغزاة من الحماقات من اللصوص والمخربين في الداخل والخارج.
فجأة دخل أخي وقطع السلسلة السوداء حين قال : هل سمعتم؟؟
ميليس اعترف من أول لقاء مع غازي كنعان.

From some random draft paper of my dad's...

A notion,

This is one of the best posts I've read in a while,

And definitely the most balanced commentary on the assassination of Pierre Gemayel.

It's nearly funny to note that most Lebanese bloggers are, as usual, passionately ridiculing the notion of "Syria doesn't gain by this" as even a possible rationale for their non-involvement. These days, it doesn't matter whether something makes sense or not as long as Syria can be blamed; you see, that rationale is that even if it doesn't benefit Syria, the Syrians are so stupid that they capable of doing things that hurt them.

I second that. It's become annoying.

Now what?

Update: This post was a bit emotional. I wrote it when i first heard the news... It's just frustration, with every single thing in that place. How can a country survive if half of the people calls the other "Traitors", and vise versa...



I donno.

Pierre Gemayyel is killed in an attack on his car today in Beirut.

Hariri was quick to accuse the Syrian Regime.

I donno anymore... I definitely donno for sure if THEY did it or not. but, my guts tells me that, No.

But what's worse, is that I donno what's the difference. that it would make.

This is getting surreal, Lebanon is turning into this funny story i can tell my grandkids 50 years from now. The whole middle east seems just so distant, seems exactly like "Scary Movie".

I dont understand those people who can think of saying sth like, "yeah, let the americans leave Iraq immediatly.." leave it, to do what? for whom?!
We all know how much mes it is, and if something, it's THEIR job to make it right... levae where u idiot..!?

I realized that I dont care anymore,
Fuck, THEY CHOSE THIS FUCKING MESS. I dont give a damn what logical explanations u have. but they had the chance, and they elected Aoun and Junblatt and Hariri, and Nasrallah.

Kess ekht hal balad, ma ra7 tet3almo.

Fuck, I'm angry.
I'm ANGRY.

I was talking with shirine about Ziad's latest articles. and she actually dared to say that Ziad, Ziad Rahbani, "3am ye2bad men Nassrallah."

I didnt know what to answer her.

Just like that, with such an ease, because he has a different perspective of things. now Ziad Rahbani, is an Agent for the syrian regime. and the "Shiite Iranian plot".

Fuck

I dont agree with him. I dont like some words in his articles. but he's Ziad. yel3an deenkon, Ziad 3allamkon shu ma3na tekoono lebnanieh wa2t ma kan feekon tekoono gher sunna w shi3a w khara.

It annoys when a Lebanese tries to tell ME, a Syrian. What the regime did to them... It's hillarious.

Fuck. I love that country, but... it's sad...

حاسس حالي سنبل

Since I obviously have nothing important to say, and I decided to take the weekend totally off. A weekend to "relax" = feel like shit without feeling guilty for wasting time...

I ran through my old videos, and here I am sharing quite "intimate" moments of a past life in a small city on the mediterranean, life with a bunch of people, somehow like me...

Ofcourse, I'm the one who says "7ases 7ali sunbol" = "I feel like sunbol" :)... remember sunbol?... a totally irrelevant sentence in a totally irerrelevant place.

 

The monthly cleaning of my flat.

 

A forgotten dish of "Burghul", and not any burghul. "Burghul 3eed"... I honestly didn't how long it's been "growing".

 

I found out, that if i had done it at a hair salon it would've costed less money and effort... nevertheless, The hair turned out well after all...

 

A very average afternoon, in 3assafeery. This time, Bashar was the victim.

 

To sign off, with 2 quite annoying vids... it wasnt a pleasant day for neither ends, just so u would know.... 

Incoherent Bullshit 3 - From Tokyo

When I'm in the shower, I realize how oddly looking us humans are. I look down, I see two long "legs" and something dandling in the middle. when ur in the shower, try it... I'm sure u'll feel the same way. I donno for women though.

What is a definition of a great man...? Churchill is great, and so is Hitler. Omar al-Khayyam is great and so is his friend Hasan al-Sobah. funny isn't it?

I'm at this point of my life, where I live Bakaloria all over again. minus, the courage, the familiarity, and the self-assurance. added, the wager.

I have always had the tendency to close down on myself. to close down on my mind, my thoughts, my ideas. my heart. given any encouragement. I have always been trying to fight it, apparently with not such success, I hate closed minded people and I hate defeated people. I hate them with passion, because I have such a huge part of me that would just like to live that way. I guess.

I said...

　私は子供の時からコンピューターに非常に興味があります。９歳のとき簡単なプログラミングを習い始めました。その時から私は情報工学の専門家になりたいと思ってきました。２００２年に開かれた中東の情報オリンピックでは、金メダルをもらいました。日本へ来る前に、母国シリアの大学で一年間、情報工学を勉強しました。私はソフトを開発したり、システム・アナリシスのような専門を研究したいと思っています。
　現在、シリアでは、情報技術(IT)の専門はとても重要になってきています。シリアはコンピューターサイエンスの専門家が必要とされています。
　コンピューターの世界は大きい世界です。絶えず、発展しています。だから、私はこの世界で単にコンピューターを使うだけの人ではなく、コンピューターを開発する人になりたいと思います。
　私は、学部を卒業した後で、大学院に進みたいと考えています。その後、研究者になりたいと思います。

I have never lost hope, in a third, forth, fifth, or millionth way out of this mess called the Middle East. It's not only, my naive romanticism, it's also History.

You see, Individuals are the pioneers for change. Governments are not, People are NOT [at least positive change...], everyday that passes on this hell-hole called middle east, makes me deeply believe in this. Individuals are those who change, and no one else. This Middle East, Far East, whatever u wanna call it, never lacked the spirits, never lacked individuals, I believe in that.

I have this sickness, this urge, to read books, right before my exams. I read Maya 2 hours before a very important physics exam back in the days. Ali and Nino, during my 10th grade exams. I read Heinrich Heine's Travels in Europe, at the dawn of my Bakaloria Chemistry final exam. now I'm fighting this poisonous urge to read Murakami's Kafka on the Shore.

I never said there's no God, I don't actually know whether he exists or not. I don't know. That's why I dont believe in him. If it's that important for him me believing I'm sure he knows how to do it. Since he didn't, WHY DO YOU PEOPLE BOTHER? ARE YOU HIS SOLE AGENT ON EARTH?

The most meaningless 2 arguments that I hear so often, too often actually...

Me, "I dont believe in God"
Someone, "But, You have to!"
Me, "WHY?"
Someone, "Because God said so, didnt u read the Quran"
Me, "@($&%$^&$"

If there's a God upthere, then he's much more godly than all the names u call him. and he's Ashamed with u people. How do I know? I don't. [I got a very thoughtful note from a friend, and she's right. God IS about Love, God is bigger than being ashamed of us humans. But to make my point clear, I was merely referring to the stupid argument, and simplification and difilement effect on the idea of God these arguments manage to create (in my own opinion ofcourse)].

Who of you knows Joseph Sa2er?

I'm living the lack of words. the lack of any sort of creativity. the lack of space...

Pride.

Why am I here writing this obviously worth-for-nothing shit instead of studying? That too, I don't know.

At somepoint, I will leave this blog. For some reason... But I know, that, If I survive the next 10 years, I will look back on this and be happy. maybe I'll be nostalgic, maybe I'll regret some stuff. I'll probably understand the stuff I write more, I'll probably slap my forehead and wish I had done a certain thing differently, cuz it's obvious [THEN], maybe I'll miss some feelings, some people. But overall, I will be happy to have made it there.

If I read the last thought without knowing Me, I would've thought I'm somekinda bosnian war victim. For those of u, who dont know me. I'm not. I'm not living an epic. And actually, most people would kill to be in my shoes. I would.

Regardless, I know I will be happy.

Today's Mood... Soap Kills - Le Zaalan?

powered by ODEO

Bad hair day - Bathroom, Tokyo.

Stare7, Sta3ed...

I was listening to "Humat al-Diar" just now, I was so taken in... and when it was finished, the very first image that came to my mind, was a sound i heard in my head saying...

Stare7,
Sta3ed...
yalla, etnen etnen 3al saff...

This is sad,

I am sad.

We owe this place years and years worth of apology.

Why?

So after all is said and done,

Saddam is sentenced to death.

I donno how to comment on this, I always lined against Death Penalty, I've always looked at it as more crueler than Murder, exactly because It's a legalized murder.

I donno, a couple of tears came off when I read it... not for Saddam, per se... but for Iraq, for Syria, for all of us humans... So they're gonna hang a dictator, people will have their revenge, some will look back with nostalgia to the old days when they were in power... and then all of them, will go back to killing each other.

What's left? another number on the death toll, the body count rises one. And people will fight on BBC whether this is the US, Islam, Dictatorship or simply the Ottoman's fault?

I really donno what to think right now, I'm spacing out and in, does it matter Why it had to happen? because, thats what we all seem to care about, Why it happened?

it's funny, once, months ago, I really thought that knowing the Why(s) was a mission on itself... now, I'm not quite sure... I'm not quite sure about anything really, I'm just not in the mood to weigh things... but I know for sure that these few lines were very true...

infornt of an obstacl:
Men = why is this probleme here ? who's fault is it?
Ants = how and with whom's help i can fix it?
there will always be a great diffrence between those who ask themsleves "WHY" and those who ask themselves "HOW"
... BW