"To the impartial eye, the world not only seems an unlikely one-off phenomenon, but a constant strain on reason. If reason exists, that is, if a neutral reason exists. So speaks the voice from within. So speaks Joker's voice." - Jostein Gaarder

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Neurotic Bullshit

I smash the phone on the stupid wall, I grab my head, and weep neurotically for 5 minutes, then i get back up. walk, sit, walk again.. look at pictures, read news, look at my open books, remember the slum i'm in, I feel my legs cramping, my fingers contracting, I lay my head on that wall, that I hate so much, I wish I can die, the I feel stupid, I feel weak, I feel so fucking caged in this 4x3 room/cell. I hate the walls, I hate the opened books with the words I'm supposed to know, I hate my needy fucked up system.
When did I turn into this neurotic shit, when did I start hiting my to walls, I need to fucking scream, isnt there a place in shit shithole where I can scream.
I feel like a 4 year old child, the same stupid meaningless stuff make me jump off my feet happy, and other stupid small hings can make me weep.
When does it stop, when do I "adapt" to the space, the language, the distance and whats beyond the distance, whats derived from the distance, what prolongs the distance...
Ten days ago, I was happy, I was sad, I was leaving in hours, but I was in peace, I had everything I'd need, I had everything I wanted, I was ready to come back, or so I thought, now I'm back to that same old spot, with the same boring,I might add- repeat of the same fucking routininc neurotic me.
few people back home have seen neurotic me, I didnt need to be, or thats how I see it now. only in extreme situations where I cant do anything except being neurotic... here it seems every single day is an extreme situation, exery single phonecall, every single night, I need to dream about good stuff, I donno who does that, but whatever u are, the son of a bitch upthere that makes dreams, I HATE U. I FUCKING HATE U.
I'm back to the phone, I dial the same number, this time someone answers... we talk,
And exactly like it happens in the movies, when that someone puts his hand on a crazy person, I sit back, quietly.

I hate this me. I hate it, I hate it so much for what its doing, for how he makes me live...
Now, I'm crying, like normal people do.

I promise myself that it will be different tomorrow, I'll try harder, it'll be better, at least it'll be different, I'll have school all day, I wont have time to be neurotic, but...


[When I posted this, I took a look at my archives, an I realized that I've never felt this way, I was never this helpless. It's shocking, it's fucked. But, That's exactly how it is today, maybe it's just an extra fucked up day... Maybe tomorrow WILL be different...]

7 Comments:

Blogger Nobu said...

This place can crush you, no matter the circumstances.

I asked my sensei, in the middle of the last term, if it would be possible to see a psychologist in some way. If there was an English-speaking one around this area, considering the amount of Americans who live up here.

He just put on a funny face and said "What, like a shrink?", with an intimidating forwarding motion to his head.

Japan, and the people who are supposed to build international relations. Congratulations, Monbusho.

With that said, believe in yourself and those who believe in you. I do suppose that's how you feel for each other, so do your best to keep your head high... And remember that there are others as well that have their fights with what they face down here.

September 01, 2006 7:21 AM

 
Blogger Zaher said...

Come on Yazoon
law battalna ne7lam nemot .. it's all just fuckin' crazy
i mean life and everything sometimes it just don't make any sense but then again we wait those moments when everything is perfect and when all your worries are gone
relax i'm not telling you to take it easy i can tell you it's hard man ..but it's gonna be alot harder if you keep feeling this way .
be happy no matter what
we are all just part of this great wonderful chaos.

September 01, 2006 9:09 AM

 
Blogger moryarti said...

Its all part of the experience bro .. don't let it get into you. Take some time off - fly to Malaysia or Thailand for a weekend if you can.. it will do you well..

September 01, 2006 2:42 PM

 
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September 02, 2006 10:21 AM

 
Blogger Ihsan said...

Shit happens, and those days are not a few, but they don't last. They come and go. They teach and strenghten before better days or even worse come. Still, tomorrow will definitely be different. That is the hope that keep us holding...I guess.....

September 02, 2006 10:31 PM

 
Blogger abufares said...

Take it easy Yazan. I know it will not make any difference if I told you that we've all been there at one time or another, but it's true. Years later, you'll look back at even these memories fondly. Trust me on this one.
I wish you the best, now and always.

September 04, 2006 11:21 PM

 
Blogger [ j i m m y ] said...

you are not alone.

September 05, 2006 3:20 AM

 

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