"To the impartial eye, the world not only seems an unlikely one-off phenomenon, but a constant strain on reason. If reason exists, that is, if a neutral reason exists. So speaks the voice from within. So speaks Joker's voice." - Jostein Gaarder

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Incoherent Bullshit, Yet another self-obsessed post!


to anyone who's still checking this stupid corner...
I seriously miss blogging, I miss the feeling of recieving comments and going into an argument with someone.... I donno why I haven't been blogging... I could say I was busy... but it depends on the definition of the whole "BUSY" status...

I'm not a happy person... that's a fact... me, I'm not a happy person, I hope it's not a criteria thing, just a a little flu that comes and goes, but definitley, I haven't been such a happy person lately...

I mean, I have an almost perfect life... [to my perspective]... and not just the instaneous prespective...

2 days ago, I was notified to being officially a grantee for the MEXT (Monbusho) Scholarship... I'm now an official student in the Tokyo University for Foriegn Affairs. The oldest language school in Japan.
I've always been [and still] a dreamer, a day dreamer even. and I was always amazed of how an hour of dreaming can lift me up to the sky on time of crisis...
An hour of good music with an emotional breakdown has always been enough for me to get over anything.. anything in this world...
I've always been surrounded by the most amazingly unique ppl on this part of the universe...
I have quite a few ppl who honestly care for me... and whom I don't think I can't ever start to describe how much I love them in return...
I already have some stuff that I'm proud of..
I have such high hopes and ambitions that I could never be actually bored of living, or even fulfilled...
I have so much proud over my belonging to the human kind, and to this particular part of the human kind history.. that millions of years of extinction can't take away...
+ The fact that I totally love my new scarf, and sweater, and the fact that some ppl actually like it too...

but not now, I'm just not such a happy person at the time being...

I hate not knowing the WHYs... I hate thinking that "I am... " just like that... I hate this feeling of vulnerability all the sudden...

I have so many names in my life, I wanna mention everything I remember.. for someday, I will be grateful [just like now] for knowing each one of em... even if it was for just a quick tour or a chat over a drink...
I wanna feel like I connect, it helps me through this unhappy flu...

names of my life... in no particular order.. just the order of my memory-neuro messages arrival...
so very bad and good memories with each of these names... I envy myself for knowing them, even the ones that were nothing but bittereness... I'm not I can remember all.. but..

zeid, maad, radwan, bashar, may, zena, bashar, dimah, sarah, bero, yaser, ayman, rami, basel, sandi, ania, anna, tsouler, jonas, jon, dan, audrey, sophie, ihsan, sinan, nuha, ghalia, sara, amr, lama, dora, hamdi, nazih, sarar, maha, lujain, faustin, josef, muhammed, alaa, may, kinda, susu, yara, bassam, hassan, tammam, hassan, muhammed, waheeb, ziad, khdr, fattoum, hala, humam, hussam, manal, mustafa, tsuzuki, daichi, lena, hiba, reem, may, ann, daniel, danial, roba, issa, shadi, hasan, fadi, lubna, ali, ola, alaa, karam, iyas, giacomo..........................................

I know this post isn't even near being coherent, and it isn't even near being, it doesn't have to, just as U don't have to read it... The point is that I wanted to make myself feel better, I need that... even worse, I WANT THAT!
some ppl actually think that I'm a a hydrophobic anti-regulations wild someone... some actually introduce me as a rebel.... I'm not, I'm actually one of the most regulated ppl I've ever seen... I'm not against Law, never was, never will be... When "life" wants to dis-order stuff, there's a billion ways to do it, She doesn't need our help... I even doubt that we can offer any...

"Ya rait, int w ana bel bayt, shi bayt ab3ad bayt, ya rait" Fairouz - Ya Rait... how thankful should I be, to be able to feel this outragoues gracefulness and geniusness of the "Fairouz Phenomenon"...
On a broader level, being an individual human means in core that I'm the ONE AND ONLY carrier of BILLIONS AND BILLIONS of years of development and selection and mutations and catastrophies and coincidences that all gather up to form this one and ONLY DNA structure... all these ppl and creatures before me have managed to survive and pass me a part of their DNA, my ancestors going back to the first mammel that roamed this earth, to the first Shrew... all of these organisms have done their share to the world... and I am the product of 15 billion years following the great explosion... I am the direct product of that great explosion, the same one that's responsible for this very "unique" universe...


Ana meen, w enta meen, ya ne7na almensyeen" Fairouz - Ya 2lby la tet3eb 2alabak.

11 Comments:

Blogger Nobu said...

Hello.

What kind of Monbukagakusho-scholarship have you been granted? I was notified last week I got the one I applied for, which is the Undergraduate Scholarship. Will find out later this week exactly where I end up in Japan, but I think it's either Osaka or Tokyo. Would prefer Tokyo due to Hombu Dojo (I practice Aikido) being there, but I'm still just happy I actually managed to get the scholarship.

Good luck.

December 21, 2005 12:30 AM

 
Blogger Yazan said...

me too, the Undergraduate scholarship... I'll be studying the 1-year japanese course in Tokyo (TUFS)...

anyways.. good luck to u too, cya there!!

December 21, 2005 1:04 AM

 
Blogger Zena said...

I don't know what to write, it is funny sometimes you look for the perfect thing to say or write but your mind fails you.

"I've always been [and still] a dreamer, a day dreamer even. and I was always amazed of how an hour of dreaming can lift me up to the sky on time of crisis...
An hour of good music with an emotional breakdown has always been enough for me to get over anything.. anything in this world..."

What you wrote above is a state that I am always in, Music and day dreaming of what I want to make of myself in the future.


So you want to argue, ok, I'll give you something to argue about:

1.I still don't feel anything when I listen to Fairouz
2.I'm still watching bad movies
3.I still feel that women shouldn't work like men

If you want more give me a call.

Miss you and hope to see you soon before you go to Korea or China or Thiland ;))))

December 21, 2005 1:27 AM

 
Blogger Omar said...

I too write to feel better. I hope that writing this post achieved its purpose. You must be really exciting about Japan, who wouldn't be?

Good luck man

December 21, 2005 4:48 AM

 
Blogger Roba said...

Hey,

Yeah, not very coherent, but

"+ The fact that I totally love my new scarf, and sweater, and the fact that some ppl actually like it too..."

the scarf is absolutely fantastic. I love it!

December 22, 2005 12:43 AM

 
Blogger Shannon said...

Hajimemashite! Doozo Yoroshiku! I haven't met you before, and I'm not Syrian...but I've been reading different Syrian blogs...Here's whyI got here through Omar's blog.

Congratulations on your fabulous scarf and scholarship to Tokyo! Going to Japan is a dream of mine. I worked with Japanese people for almost two years and miss it almost everyday!!

To me, the best posts, the most sincere, are the least coherent. Good luck in everything and thanks for sharing your perspective.

December 22, 2005 2:22 AM

 
Blogger Sou said...

You are undescribable! (in a good way of course! hehe)

Love you! :*

December 23, 2005 5:35 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hehe, the part that u say u r not happy for a long time really strike me.... i think u are bored and u think too much, or maybe u have to find that special girl as your soul mate ;)... seems like u wanna change the world but u cant... so u r frustrated..... i suggest u read a short story titled 'the necklace' by Guy de Maupassant.

December 31, 2005 9:51 PM

 
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